Parenting Tips: Sons Can Be Problems For Single Mum's

Q. "I am a single mother with a 7 year old daughter (Caitlin), and two sons (Tom, 9 & Liam, 11). Cait is doing fine, but I am having real problems with the too boys. Tom has learning difficulties at school, but seems to behave fine there. It is when he comes home that we get all the temper tantrums. Liam just seems to hate me. He is always rude, and never shows any affection towards me. Liam's dad never visits, and Tom's dad died when he was a baby. I am so stressed, what am I doing wrong?"

A. I'm sorry you're having problems with them. We all expect parenting to be fun and rewarding, at least most of the time.

First, stop blaming yourself as it won't accomplish a thing. Just like anyone else, you have most likely made lots of bad decisions. It doesn't matter. The big question is what do you do now, to make the best of what you have?

Your daughter is doing well, proving that you have some good mothering skills.

It is also good news that your younger son is doing well at school. If he is able to settle down and work, even though he has learning difficulties, that is very encouraging. However, you might want to check with the school about how much he is struggling there, as it may be that he is bringing his frustrations home.

It's most likely that both boys miss having their dads around. This is a hard problem to tackle. The youngest probably finds life easier since "a dead dad is better than a non-caring one". That's because he isn't actually being rejected. You can't do anything about the other dad except to be honest with your son. It isn't a good idea to either defend or criticize him. If you make excuses for him your boy will take it as you being on the dad's side. If you say negative things about him then the child will want to defend him, since he is his dad.

Don't forget that we can't change anyone, including our children. You can however, change yourself. Think about behaviors you can change in yourself that would make your life more serene. It may surprise you to know that if you feel more positive, your children will also feel more positive. On the other hand, if you keep doing what you've been doing, you will reap the same results.

Above all, believe in yourself and your children. Look to the future instead of the past, and decide how you want to be. Think only of the positive, rather than of what you don't want. Instead of worrying, think about the happy outcomes to come. You won't get there in a day, but watch those baby steps. They will add up and take you to your destination. Improvement will take some effort, but so does your present life. You will get there if you remain determined.

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Go over to Dr. Noel Swanson's website for more excellent child behavior advice. While you are there, make sure you also get his book The GOOD CHILD Guide - it really is a must-buy for every parent. Visit here for more parenting articles.
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